In my last blog, I mentioned how that feeling of needing to do more and to live a meaningful life has always followed me around.
That feeling is the reason that I quit my job last year and decided to start Coutts Creations LLC. I also realized around this same time that I wasn’t living my life for me, but rather every decision I’d ever made was one made from fear. Almost every job I took was because I was afraid of not being able to pay back student loans, of not being able to pay rent or buy food. It was never because I wanted it, but because I needed it.
I was jumping from job to job, trying to find something that I liked, that made that feeling of not being fulfilled disappear. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of jobs that I’ve loved, but it wasn’t because of the work. It was because of the people. I just never found that thing or that job that I was passionate about, and before I knew it, I was in my 30s, feeling stuck and like life was pointless, and having a mental breakdown.
I use to work in disaster recovery, traveling from disaster to disaster to assist with the coordination of environmental compliance. I got started on this career path through archaeology, and I liked it because it made me feel like I was helping people through a very roundabout way. However, my self-doubt, anxiety, and depression made it more and more challenging to do.
In the summer of 2019, I ended up taking a month and a half off from work for my mental and physical health. I had been deployed to the California wildfires for several months, had walking pneumonia, a bad back, and a panic attack almost every other day. I was not in a good place.
I went to therapy for the first time and cried through the entire first session and almost every session after that for the next several months. It was through therapy that I realized that I had been depressed my whole life and that anxiety and I are best friends. I knew that I would have low points, but with anxiety, I thought a lot of what I was experiencing was standard. That everyone got nervous when public speaking and that I just got a little more nervous than other people, or everyone was feeling what I was feeling while driving, and mapping out everything in their minds every day. It wasn’t until I started to take medication that I realized that my depression and anxiety had formed a lot of my life.
It was also during this time that I started to think about my future. What did I want to do with my life, what would make me happy?
I’ve always loved photography and writing, so I knew it had to involve those two things, and then I decided to start a podcast. The podcast brought everything together, and Coutts Creations was born. I created a business that combines all of my passions into one space. I also wanted it to be a space for other women in their 30s-50s to find a little escapism.
A place where those that feel stuck or adrift in life can come to dream, discover, and explore.
Dream. Discover. Explore